About loneliness
and finding peace
As I laid flat on my sofa, my eyes found its way looking at the ceiling. I proceeded to shut them off and stay still. Nothing was really running through my mind; I was too absorbed into the feeling of being molded into the cushions of my grey sofa. With my body imprinted onto the couch, a heaviness seemed to have filled all the gaps.
Knock knock. Wake up Julie. It’s me – loneliness.
This train of thought happened during the pandemic, as stay-at-home restrictions had just been imposed in Canada. I made casual roundtrips to the kitchen and living room, and went on walks around my neighbourhood in Griffintown.
That weight, however, remained, and followed me around as I walked in and out of my apartment. Eventually, I started to perceive loneliness as its own entity, a floating ghost that hovered around me. To put in perspective, it looked something like Calcifer from Howl’s Moving Castle, but instead of being bright orange, it was translucent grey.
Strangely, I didn’t know how to deal with this block of emotion, and so I decided to befriend loneliness. He would sail on my shoulder, bounce from one side to another and then run off, without a goodbye, before his next unexpected visit.
In the meantime, I found comfort in reading people’s posts on Reddit and Medium. These platforms became a therapeutic hub that had an answer to every of my question. My brain processed one post after another; and after reading so many, I posted bits of my life.
This exchange of vulnerable thoughts felt familiar. It reminded me of Tumblr where my friends and I used to gush over creating blogs and designing them to the best of our knowledge. Forming a community on Tumblr felt natural and effortless. We’d then occasionally host Q&A sessions and eagerly joined others’. Within these communities, we shared our thoughts and struggles.
As time went on, floating Calcifer made fewer visits, as I found joy in being alone as well as in the presence of others.
Thoughts
Going back to posting on Reddit, here is a thread of comments I enjoyed:
My loneliness improved when I started living for others.
I was watching After Life on Netflix the other day and someone tells Tony (depressed main character) that life isn’t all about how he is feeling, that he is also there to make others happy and that really stuck with me. For many reasons service to others is important.
My name is Julie, I’m 24, based in Montreal, Canada. I enjoy writing and reading.
